• Metric Dozen (episode III for 15-August)

    From George Pope@1:153/757 to All on Mon Aug 15 08:43:06 2022
    Catching up on reading through my source newsletters, so here's another set, completed today. . .

    Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

    Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

    Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

    -= 1 =-

    "Today is national dog day. Dogs, as you're probably aware, were widely considered to be man's best friend, until 2007 when the iPhone was invented to replace it." -Jimmy Kimmel

    "A man set a new world record after kicking himself in the head 134 times in one minute. He broke the previous record of zero." -Conan O'Brien

    "Nintendo recently announced that its character Mario is no longer a plumber. Apparently, he was fired after coming to work on mushrooms." -Seth Meyers

    "Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example." -- Mark Twain

    "A Stanford study suggests that social media is making us smarter. They examined hundreds of essays written by college freshmen between 1917 and 2006. By 2016, the papers were longer, better researched, and more complex. That's because kids in 2016 cut and pasted them from Wikipedia." -Jimmy Kimmel

    -= 2 =-
    The teacher in an adult Sunda School class asked a woman to read about the Israelites wandering in the desert.

    "The Lord heard you when you wailed, 'If only we had meat to eat!'" she began. "Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month - until you loathe it."

    When the woman finished she paused, looked up and said, "Hey, isn't that the Atkins diet?"

    -= 3 =-
    A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news: "There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent death this year."

    Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.

    She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I get away with it?"

    -= 4 =-
    The Ten Commandments display was recently removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building. There was a good reason for the move. You can't post

    Thou Shalt Not Steal,
    Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,
    and Thou Shall Not Lie

    in a building full of lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile work environment.

    -= 5 =-
    An older couple decided to get married.

    She said: I want to keep my house.
    He said: That's fine with me.
    She said: I want to keep my Cadillac. He said: That's fine with me.
    She said: I want to have sex 6 times a week. He said: Put me down for Fridays.

    -= 6 =-
    The boss joined a group of his workers in the company break room and told a joke he'd heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly. Everybody, that is, except Dewey.

    When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Dewey, the boss said, "What's the matter, Dewey? No sense of humor?"

    "My sense of humor is fine," he said. "But I don't have to laugh. I'm retiring tomorrow."

    -= 7 =-
    A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. "Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

    He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. "Rats," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

    The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep. "You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she asked.

    "Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

    "You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

    -= 8=-
    A Sunday School teacher wanted to use squirrels as an example of a diligent work ethic and being prepared. She started the lesson by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children were excited to show her what they knew and leaned forward eagerly.

    "I'm thinking of something that lives in trees and eats nuts." No hands went up. "It can be gray or brown and it has a long bushy tail." The children looked around the room at each other, but still no one raised a hand.

    "It chatters and sometimes it flips its tail when it's excited?"

    Finally one little boy shyly raised his hand. The teacher breathed a sigh of relief and said, "Okay, Michael. What do you think it is?"

    "Well," said the boy, "I know the answer's supposed to be Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me."

    -= 9 =-
    Eating too much cake is the sin of gluttony. However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of Pi is always zero.

    -= 10 =-
    All I know about Argentina is that it's surprisingly cold. In fact, it's bordering on Chile.

    --- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)