• The Metric Dozen

    From George Pope@1:153/757 to All on Wed May 11 15:11:08 2022
    Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

    Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

    Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

    -= 1 =-
    For those curious abnout these tech terms:

    All software typipcally goes through the testing cycle: Alpha Testing: testing in the lab, by the developer/team Beta Testing: testing by aselect group of people who operate the software as if they were customers who bought it
    gamma Testing: (aka The Microsoft Method): Let the user debug it

    -= 2 =-
    Q: Why is it so wrong to bathe cats? A: The fur might get stuck to your tongue

    -= 3 =-
    A bit early, but November's too long to wait. . .

    Stan Freberg - The Thanksgiving Story (Under The Double Turkey) Announcer: Needless to say the there luncheon under the trees was a great success And a good time was had by Puritan and Indian alike. Everything came off beautifully with the exception of one minor catastrophe.

    What do you mean that you cooked the turkey, Charlie?

    Well, I cooked the turkey, that's all.

    You put our national bird in the oven, is that correct?

    Yeah, well I ah...

    And all of had our mouths set on roast eagle with all the trimmings...

    Yeah, well I ah yeah...

    You did a thing like that..?

    Well, the two birds were lying there side by side...

    The Turkey was for the centerpiece, Charlie, I mean

    Well, they look so much alike, that I ah...

    Well, ah we blow it now, they're all sitting down at the table out there...

    Yeah, yeah

    Starting in on their little nut cups, already... We'll just have to switch the birds, that's all...

    Yeah, well...

    ...Serve them turkey instead of eagle, but it's kinda scrawny looking, isn't?

    Yeah will I thought I'd stuff some old bread in it to make it look a little fatter

    You do that, ok?


    -= 4 =-
    A little laughter from Radio 1962:
    The Battle of Kookamonga
    by Homer & Jethro


    -= 5 =-
    More from Dr. Demento's 20th Anniversary Collection; heck, the whole thing on a playlist:
    (I know -- I'm awesome at providing happy content *blush*) https://youtu.be/yS_isF77HTM

    -= 6 =-
    Q: Why does the ocean roar?
    A: You'd roar, too, if you had thatr many crabs on your bottom! --Redd Foxx

    I like women over 40łthey don't yell, they don't tell, they don't swell, and they grateful as [heck]. --Redd Foxx

    -=7 =-
    Allan Sherman remembers the French Revolution as onyl he cabn tell/sing a story:
    You Went The Wrong Way, Old King Louis https://youtu.be/Ep9fG_ji7T8

    The "Three Little Pigs" told in a way you've not heard before: https://youtu.be/l_UegL1R3X8

    -= 8 =-
    BOOZE! (liquor, whiskey, gin, etc.)
    Lovely gateway out of reality for a short time (or longer time if you're a professional sot)
    How It Is Made (DiscoveryScience)

    -= 9 =-
    Your host got bored & created this: When did Usain Bolt?
    &, if Montgomery Burns, why is he still allowed in the woods?
    Is it true my cat, named Santa, Claus? And Mark Spitz after each swimming win, correct? Bill Withers when in too high of a desert heat, but Gordon Banks on losing some weight on purpose, while Jimmy Greaves his now long past career. Did Glenn Ford the River Phoenix? Did Cary Grant Bob Hope? John Mills wheat while Jeremy Irons shirts.After the election, we cried out, "Janice, Rule!" while Britney Spears some fish along the rocky shore. Time & Tom Waits for no Man, United we stand in this.

    -=- 10 =-
    After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the grocery store.

    Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in find the stuff and get out.

    Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

    Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local store.

    Dear Mrs. Customer:

    Over the past six months, your husband (me) has caused quite a commotion in our store.

    We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you.

    Our complaints against your husband are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

    1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

    2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

    3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

    4. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department, to which twenty children obliged.

    5. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

    6. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

    7. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

    8. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

    And last, but not least:

    9. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' This led to one of the clerks passing out.

    --- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)