One little girl began her prayer like this: "Our Father, who
are in heaven, hello! What be Thy name?"
A boy who thought he knew the answer to that question, prayed,
"Our Father, who art in heaven, Harold be Thy name."
And a boy climaxed his prayer like this: "For thine is the
kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever and ever, Amen
One little boy, upon hearing about "the virgin Mary, the mother of
Jesus," raised his hand during service & asked, "Is that Round John Virgin, or the King James Virgin?"
The one I like was the plaque on the wall, and the little boy asked
the pastor what it was for. The preacher said "it's in honor of those
who died in the service" (military).
But, the little boy, unaware of that, asked "was it in the morning
or evening service??". <G>
I saw that one recycled into a Jewish joke, but inelegantly,m so I
rewrote the key parts & sent it back to that person -- they hadn't
even noticed, but appreciated the subtleties once pointed out. . .
It's an artform, not a hackjob. .
This one's copy & paste, unfortunately, but it fulfils my standards of funny -- YMMV, FWIW, IMHO, etc.
fat jokes. Feel free to use any of the following phrases in your
articles or headlines, or um, become a better writer:
! Fat Tuesday
! Weighty Matter
! Light-Weight Entertainment
! Thick as Thieves
! The Weight Is Over
! Big Men and Women on Campus
! Fat of the Land
! Big, Fat Obnoxious [Anything]
! Big, Fat Hit
! Weighed Down
! Well-Rounded Cast
! Fatty Ass-heads
! Must Eat TV
! Hungry for Ratings
! Fat Chance
! Battle of the Bulge
! Thin Premise
! Fat Sells
! Big Competition
! Chubby Reign
! Waist of Airtime
! Devouring the Competition
! Chewing the Scenery
! Broad Humor
! The Thickest Link
! Livin' Large
! Large and in Charge
! Wide Margin
! Fat of the Land
! Morbidly [Anything]
Now the news is classified "realityTV" which puts it on equal standing with Honey fleeping BooBoo & the KardASShians. That's fair, based on
how real the end product is these days -- I miss Walter (That's "Mr. Cronkite" to you younguns)
Speaking of the decline of CBS. . .
Toward the end of the year, my late wife and I would pull a friends
chain, telling them "we wren't going to have sex for the rest of the
year" (it was like Dec. 29). We waited to observe them getting this horrid look on their faces...then when they realized what day it was, it was like "Oh, [expletive]!!" <G>.
It's an artform, not a hackjob. .And, with puns, not everyone appreciates the humor. To me, the beauty of
a pun is in the groan of the recipient.
cutting up...I don't mean to offend anyone, so my apologies in advance.
! Fat TuesdayAdd an R, and that's when you can go crazy on beans and legumes...right
! Light-Weight EntertainmentMidget movies??
! Chubby-HubbyBuilding up insulation for the winter.
! The Weight Is Over...what the scale can hold -- sounds like Garfield The Cat after eating
too much pizza and lasagna. <G>
! Big Men and Women on CampusIf they do a cannonball into the pool, that'll soak everyone nearby.
! Fat of the LandSounds like the blooper where the formerly obese woman would tell that
her diet helped her lose all the fat...and added "she will bring samples".
! Big, Fat HitThose chest bumps hurt!!
Facebook became Meta, and rumor has it where Twitter will become
Mucil. So, we'll be on Metamucil every day. <G>
On some of those cooking shows, I wish I could graze on what was
being shown or prepared. My late wife and I would watch Emeril
anymore)...and one day, Paula Deen was on there doing a southern
We're talking eggs, bacon, ham, sausage, pork chops, biscuits with
butter, sausage gravy, hash browns, tomato slices, toast, jelly,
pancakes, syrup, etc. [We will now pause 3 minutes for drooling <G>].
Well, she was using this tenderizer to make the pork chops to
where they'd "melt in your mouth". In describing the tool, she said
"I use this to beat my meat with!!" <G>.
That's a euphemism for masturbation, and the entire studio audience
Some days, they'd be preparing something, and all of a sudden, my
wife let out this pitiful wail, like was in pain. I asked her what
was wrong, and she lamented "He just ruined it!!". <G>
That happened at my late wife's church years ago. It was an offshoot
of "The Worldwide Church Of God", known as "The Community Church Of God". They didn't have a "Sunday School", per se...but they had a potluck
every other Sunday after church. Well, with any organization, sacred or secular, at times, you have to conduct "a business meeting...and you
know, to most folks, they avoid attending those like the plague. Well,
as luck would have it, the meeting ran way overtime, and the church
service was LATE starting. The guy who was leading the music that
Sunday (who was best man at my wedding), said "Since we got started so
late, I'm sure our preacher will be considerate, and cut his sermon
short". Without missing a beat, the pastor said "Fat Chance!!". It
brought the house down in raucous laughter, and the look on that guy's
face was absolutely priceless!! <G>
! Battle of the BulgeI have 3 ailments:
1) Furniture Disease - my chest is into my drawers
2) Dunlop Disease - my belly done lopped over my belt
3) Dickeydo Disease - my belly hangs out more than my dickey do
! Fat SellsGot to have a shed for your tool.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
! Devouring the CompetitionSounds like the July Coney Island Hot Dog Battle.
Eat to live...not live to eat.
! Large and in ChargeI hope the chair is strong enough.
! Fat of the LandThere'll be a harvest of blubber this year.
I have a BMI calculator on my phone...it says I'm nearly 90
pounds overweight. Well, getting it off is easier said than done.
! Gut-BustingOnly when they're doing gastric bypass surgery. But, there's
good and bad with that.
how real the end product is these days -- I miss Walter (That's "Mr.And, that's the way it is. <G>
Cronkite" to you younguns)
I prefer the meteorological acronym...CBS stands for cumulonimbus's
(several thunderstorms together, as it a line). Our tornado season will
be here soon enough (Sigh!).
I've used that one -- generally posting publically on a BBS that I plan
to stay offline for the rest of the year (panic ensued with dozens of other members crying, "noooooo!" then dozens of others saying "calm
down & look at the date he posted that!")
I do my part to keep y'all on your toes!
You know it! A groan because it's sneaky, but should have been obvious
are my favourites, but there's also0 the "Oh, that's so simple as to
be lame" groans & I don't count those ones; I just say, "Hey, hey only
get worse! Hold your hand out if you want to redeem my double yor
money back guarantee"
If anyone enters a PG-rated jokes echo or forum, & gets offended, it's their own damned fault!
College Greek houses like their 5-bean chili, do they?
Feel the burn!
Midget bowling? (where they throw the midget down the lane)
Is there another way to get into the pool?
That's what SHE said! (when I pinched them) (remember that time Peanut
was saying that over & over again to everything Jeff-fa-fa said?)
I've cut back on my metamucil for a bit -- stuff's expensive!
Been there. . . working on fixing these & doing quite well, I've
dropped 10 BMI points this past year, since April. ..
My doc told me to watch my waist, so I put it right out front where I
can easily keep an eye on it. . .
My son's dream is to win that one day. . .
Not the La-Z Boy Lift-Recliner I recently bought, I found out -- the
max was 50# below my weight :( It doesn't operate so well now, forcing
me to do my own lifting to get my carcass out & moving (sucks when I'm trying to answer Natrure's Holler)
What kind of phone do you have? I'll give you the directions to get
that app off your phone quite easily! *G*
There you go. . . I only caught the tail-end of his career, usually
only when quoted on our local news that my dad watched faithfully
every night at 6pm. . .
Shouldn't it be cumulonimbi for the plural?
Tell every married man in Tornado Alley to refuse "mouth hugs" from
their girlfriends, as tornado warnings & that action definitely
suggest that someone is going to lose a house!
Me: "Wait, why don't you like icing? That's what makes cake so tasty!" Him: stares at me intensely
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