Dicas de turismo p/ quem pretende visitar a Holanda :-)

* Originally by: Ward Dossche (2:292/854), 05 Dec 06 14:03.
* Originally to: all.

1. Never use the word "Dutch" in front of a Hollander. It
reminds him too much of the word "Deutsch" which is a word
for Germans and other things he doesn't like. A Dutchman is a
Hollander or a Nederlander.

2. Never ever try to speak Hollands even if you have lived in
Holland for more than five years. Not only will it give you a
splitting headache but also Hollanders won't understand a
single word of what you are trying to say (which also tells
something about the intelligence of the people). Foreigners
are expected to speak English or gibberish. Speaking
gibberish they are easy prey for pickpockets since they can't
make a report to the police.

Speaking English foreigners will frequently be understood by
the Nederlanders, but most probably will not understand a
single word uttered by the Nederlanders themselves who
seem to be under the delusion that they can speak other
languages in an understandable voice.

3. Also never try to eat "drop". Drop is a kind of licorice that
only Hollanders can eat. It can be recognized by its colour:
black. The taste is a cross between printer ink (blue) and
earwax. Hollanders absolutely love it and eat kilos of the
revolting stuff. There is a nationwide conspiracy to look at the
faces of foreigners who are tricked into believing it is edible.

4. Do not buy wooden shoes. They will look absolutely silly on
you. which is of course the main reason for selling them to
you in the first place. A Hollander himself wouldn't like to be
found dead in them. (As a matter of fact, they wouldn't like to
be found dead at all, but this feeling is not necessarily shared
by the inhabitants of the neighbouring countries).

5. Do not make holes in dikes. Behaviour like that is not only
frowned upon but in certain cases can get you stoned to
death with wooden shoes by an angry mob. You may feel free
however to stick a finger in any dike you like. It'll get you a
few good laughs from the natives.

6. A Hollander is always right and he knows it. With this in
the back of your mind it is easy to deal with most of them. If
ever you get into an argument with a Hollander, tell him that
he is absolutely right and that you see the error of your ways.
This will drive him absolutely crazy: Since you are a foreigner
you can't be right. You agree with him. Therefore he also
cannot be right. Impossible! He is a Hollander. But.. why.. he..
At this point you may want to stand back and watch him try
to strangle himself with a tulip.

7. Windmills are unavoidable.

8. It is not necessary to show an interest in tulips, windmills,
wooden shoes or cheese. Every Hollander knows that you
came for the softdrugs or the Amsterdam red light district,
the Walletjes. Both are available in a large quantity and are
easy to find. Ask any Hollander age six or older or any French
tourist (see items 19 & 20)

9. Avoid fans of soccer games at all cost. Soccer in Holland is
merely an excuse used for bashing in the brains of just about
everyone else, including yours, after the game is won. ...Or
lost...Or if it is a draw. It is also very unwise to stand near a
policeman during these festivities. (see item 10) Also,
whenever there's a Hollander around: "Don't mention the '74
final!". You'll end up in an ongoing discussion about how well
the Orange team played and how marvellous it is that a small
country like Holland has such a good team and blah-de-blah-
de-blah.

10. Policemen in Holland may be used for throwing things at.
If you feel like hitting someone or something, use a
policeman. No Hollander will pay any attention if you decide
to hit, maim, or kick a policeman in the groin. Policemen
represent authority and no Hollander recognizes any
authority higher than himself. You may also note that a lot of
Hollandse policemen are in fact foreigners tricked into taking
the job.

11. Hollanders do not like to spend money, they'd sooner cut
off their own ears. A Hollander will become a friend for life if
you give him something for free. (Note: Social diseases are an
exception) This might explain the success of MacDonald's in
Holland. The story that copper wire is an invention of two
Hollanders fighting over a found cent is absolutely true.

12. Holland is small. There is a rumour that Holland is put
inside during rainstorms. Not true, but that is mainly because
it rains about 365 days each year. This might also explain
those wooden shoes: They float. Yes, Holland is small and
Hollanders are proud of it. They will grab every opportunity to
point out to you that the nation has accomplished great
things, despite of it being so small (but thanks to their
southern neighbours who fled northwards at a certain point
in history). A suitable answer to this swank is the Hollander's
imperialistic past. Wich brings us, rather nicely, to item 13.

13. If you wish to insult a Hollander - and sooner or later you
will - simply tell him you don't think he is a pacifist. Now
immediately start running for your life. He'll want to prove to
you that he is a peace loving person and he won't stop
proving this until your intestines are scattered all over the
floor. However, mentioning a supposedly imperialistic past
considering Surinam and/or Indonesia, will instantly reduce a
Hollander to a pathetic, sniffing and crying child, begging for
forgiveness

14. The Hollanders are supposed to be tolerant. They are not.
They simply make too much money from the sale of soft- and
hard-drugs, Malaysian women and pornography to foreigners
to let an opportunity for making a good profit go by.

15. The main form of public transportation in Holland is bikes.
Feel free to take any bike of which you are able to pick the
lock. Don't expect your own bike however to be where you
left it three minutes earlier. The hunting season for bikes is
open 365 days a year. Have fun.

16. At nearly every meal in Holland you will find a small
vicious looking blade with a slit in it. It is called a
"kaasschaaf" and is used for taking very thin (the see-
through kind) slices of the cheese. Yes, it is indeed an
invention made by a Nederlander. Never cut cheese with a
knife, you'll make an utter fool of yourself. Another peculiar
dinner tool is the "flessenlikker", which literally means
"bottle-licker", but is best translated by "yoghurt-scraper".
Note that this tool is not meant to get rid of an itchy back or
for your nightly escapades. It's designed to clean out bottles
of yoghurt or "vla" which is a sort of custard. The
Nederlanders wants to use absolutely every millilitre of the
yoghurt or "vla" he bought. He paid for all of it and he'll jolly
well eat all of it.

17. At the time of this writing, the Hollandse economy is
doing quite well. The Hollanders say that this is the result of
extensive negotiating between parties like the unions, the
employers and the government. They even have a name for
this: The 'polder model'. Foreigners are made to believe that
this polder model is the key to a healthy economy and if
others should follow this polder model, their economy's will
also improve dramatically. This is utter nonsense. Hollanders
just love to talk and talk and talk. Calling all this talking
negotiations only gives them a sense of doing something
useful. Talk is not cheap in Holland.

18. Hollanders like to drown fried potato's in litres of
mayonnaise and put it in small paper bags (a delightful habit
they stole from their southern neighbours and made
distasteful by adding their own local flavour to it). This is
called "een patatje met". One of these bags can sustain life
over an indefinite period. Not everyone agrees if it is the sort
of life worth living.

19. Hollanders have a special and unique service for mainly
French tourists. As soon as they cross the border between
Belgium and Holland, they are welcomed enthusiastically by
young men in fast cars. These young people wish to point out
to the French tourist where the more interesting touristy
places in Holland can be found. Strangely enough they always
seem to end up in a coffee shop (which is the main if not only
reason most tourists come to Holland anyway, see item 20).
Funny people those French.

20. There is a fast and guaranteed way of making a complete
fool of yourself in Holland: Enter a coffee shop and ask for a
cappuccino. Coffee shops do not -remember this- do not sell
coffee. You can however get a good number of other
stimulating drugs there. For some unknown reason coffee
shops are extremely popular with French tourists.

21. A Fries is a semi-detached sort of Nederlander, living in
the north of the country in a province all for himself. He is
fond of frozen water, Beerenburg (which is a form of
euthanasia with alcohol) and continuously pointing out to
non-Fries Hollanders that they are -indeed-not Fries. The rest
of the Hollanders look upon this behaviour with the good
natured ambivalent feelings that parents have for an
obstinate child.

22. On the matter of what books to buy before you come to
Holland, I can recommend the following: The complete works
of William Shakespeare or a leather-bound volume of the
Encyclopaedia Britannica (the 1913 copy: Fr to He). In my
experience these two books have just about the right weight
for clubbing a pushy drug dealer or pimp on the head without
leaving any marks. After hitting you might want to drop the
book you were carrying at that moment for a more speedy
retreat. Bring plenty of books.

23. Do not bother to hire a car. Not only can you steal more
bikes than you will need but car-traffic in Holland is not
something you will enjoy. In the rest of the world traffic jams
are measured in miles or kilometres, Nederlandse traffic jams
are measured in weeks. As a matter of fact, the more
persistent traffic-jams are well worth a touristic visit. The
sight of starving people in an expensive Mercedes can be
quite uplifting if you are of a philosophic nature. You may
want to bring some pieces of bread with you to throw through
open car windows. The resulting fights can often be worth
watching.

24. Contrary to popular belief, you may not bring your
mother-in-law to Holland for do-it-yourself euthanasia.
Tourists are warned not to take these matters into their own
hands.

25. Whether you are catholic, Muslim or worshipper of Urrrgl,
god of all honest politicians, in Holland you are likely to run
into a church, temple or oak-tree-and-virgin of your liking.
Hollanders are supposed to be very tolerant of other believes,
ways of life and religious convictions. They are not. The only
reason for there being so many different churches, sects and
cults is the fact that Hollanders disagree on just about
anything. A Hollander is always right (see item 6) and anyone
who thinks different than him can jolly well bugger off and
start his own church.

26. Holland is a kingdom. It has no king but a queen and her
husband is no king but a prince, but he's dead now. The
queen doesn't rule the country well, not much anyway- but
she is very good at opening bridges, roads and visiting other
countries. She is also very decorative at state banquets. Her
son, the crown prince, will be king as soon as she stops
queening (nice word eh?). Now his wife won't be a queen but
she will be a princess because Nederland is much too small
for a king and a queen at the same time. On April the 30th it's
Queen's Day, which is not the birthday of the queen, but the
birthday of princess Juliana the queen's mother (who used to
be the queen). It is no wonder that more and more
Nederlanders wish to make Holland a republic. Queen's Day,
by the way, has nothing to do with royal festivities. It's just a
Hollander's excuse to drink large quantities of their socalled
beer. On Queen's Day Hollanders also sell garbage in the
streets.

27. It might be wise to learn how to swim if you visit Holland.
No, the dikes will hold, that is not the problem. The huge
amount of ditches, moats, canals, rivers and brooks can
however lead to mistakes. The shiny nice new asphalt road
that you wish to drive your car on during a rainstorm, may in
fact not be a road at all.

28. The Holland art. Most Nederlandse painters get to be
famous only after they have died. That is a very sensible
arrangement from the publics point of view. Not only do you
get large quantities of paintings - a man has got to eat, right?
- but it also makes a nice investment for art-lovers The
painters themselves do not share this view at all but are
unable to do anything about it. In at least one case the
frustration has led to self-mutilation involving an ear.

29. If one of your Hollandse friends invites you for a birthday
party, prepare yourself for a unique experience. Unique,
because it can only be compared to taking place on a wooden
chair which has a sharp nail driven through the underside of
the seat, and not being able to move for a month. More than
one foreigner has been driven to the brink of insanity in just
one evening. A Hollandse birthday party consists of sitting in
a chair, talking to other Hollanders about your work, your car,
foreigners and politics. You are expected to leave at 11 pm
and you'll gladly do so.

30. Do not get sick in Nederland. Over the last ten years, the
famous Hollandse healthcare has been privatised. These days
some operations, like open heart surgery, have a waiting list
of more than six months. The doctors don't think that is a
problem, "More than half of our patients for open heart
surgery never even show up anyway" they say. Some
Nederlandse patients who have become desperate, move to a
country like Mozambique, Iraq or Pakistan where healthcare
is infinitely better.

31. Nederlanders leave their curtains open in the evening.
This used to be so that the neighbours could always check if
your family didn't gamble or drink alcohol. These days it is a
precaution against junkies trying to steal the stereo from the
family car, parked in front of the house. It has the fortunate
side effect that you can watch Hollanders in their natural
surroundings, in front of the television, watching soaps.

32. Holland has more cities than only Amsterdam. Like
..erm...Well, it has!!

33. Hollands beer has made quite a reputation for itself over
the years. Some people even drink it, though they usually lack
any sense of taste (these are the same people who think they
can eat things coming out of a Hollandse kitchen and go
unpunished). Brewing is indeed one of the things Hollanders
traditionaly do. Holland never used to be a country with
anything more interesting to do than to drink oneself blind in
new and interesting ways or make paintings. This made the
beer industry very popular. Hollandse experts seem to believe
that once you have drank Hollands beer like Heineken,
Grolsch or Amstel, all other beers taste like the tapwater in a
Rotterdam hotel. Unfortunately they do not have real beer to
compare it with.

34. For tourists it might even be wise and it certainly is safer
to drink tapwater in Holland. This is quite remarkable
considering that most drinking water comes from poluted
rivers like the Rhine. Plans to improve the quality of the
riverwater, so that fish like salmon will return to Hollandse
rivers to spawn, can count on strong resistance from the
Nederlanders. They don't like the idea of animals having sex
in their drinking water.

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