I suspect it's less the transientness in any case. Some of it may just
be age-related. And, as you mentioned (both in the part I snipped and below) the video games probably do have somewhat to do with it as well.
Having a compatible friend makes a lot of difference... how long were
you able to stay where he had the friends?
However he suffered a bit of verbal abuse, and definitely neglect,Sigh... not what he needed, for sure.
from my fiancee when I was working, which I later found out about.
And without friends to get out and play with, there is more incentive to occupy oneself with the video games, too...
Quoting Damon A. Getsman to All on 31-Jan-2015 16:07 <=-
Despite being amazingly resilient for everything
that he's been through, it seems like the last two years of
intermittent homelessness are finally starting to have a behavior
effect upon him.
Things got better for awhile, when I was with my fiancee, as
spring hit. He had to change schools _during that one school year_ four times, so that certainly didn't help anything. However, he met another bi-racial kid that lived just one apartment down from us at his school. So although he got a few more videogames than I would like, he really
did spend a huge amount of times with his friend and other friends from the school outside playing.
However he suffered a bit of verbal abuse, and definitely neglect,
from my fiancee when I was working, which I later found out about.
Since I've moved here, things have gone
downhill a bit. There were starting to be some behavioral changes, at this point, due to the 'addictive' nature of video games, and how they activate the same brain instant-reward pathways as any sort of
stimulant drug does. You can tell. :| You could tell last year, but
it wasn't even really a problem yet. The main problem in this area
is the fact that no other parents seem to give much of a shit about getting their children out to play with others here. 'Helicopter parenting' is in full effect.
When things can't be helped, they can't be helped... one does have to
work with the situation one is actually in. He at least has the
stability of being with you, and having you care about him and his welfare...
At least he has the friends at school... that's important, too.
It might or might not help things... some "lower class" parents buy into the same helicoptor parenting... part of it seems to be the way things tend to be nowadays...
Woulda, shoulda, coulda... The past is what it was... you can learn from it, you can work with the results, but you can't change it, nor should
you dwell on the mistakes made... Hopefully you have learned from it...
The books will probably do the most to help wean him off the games...
it's a better way to exercise the brain, and most engaging as well,
since he enjoys reading... :)
Eventually you'll probably have that... both the space and hopefully
some friends with more helpful parents... ;)
Quoting Damon A. Getsman to Nancy Backus on 10-Feb-2015 14:07 <=-
When things can't be helped, they can't be helped... one does have to
work with the situation one is actually in. He at least has the
stability of being with you, and having you care about him and his
welfare...
Yeah. When I'm out and about with him I still get people
complimenting me, at random, whenever they care about kids and are in
the area enough to overhear me explaining things to him, and teaching
him about new things. I try to think of that as an offset...
And honestly, I know that there's not a whole lot I can do about all
of this right now other than what I'm doing, but it's hard for me not
to fret, especially as changes come on and I don't know if they're strictly from age or more from the transience... Of course it's a combination of both, and I'm sitting here wringing my hands kind of helplessly. I do have an appointment with his school counselor coming up, though. Maybe she'll have some insight to give me, too. I'm
always a little haunted about not being able to take good enough care
of the people (and animals) that I care for.
At least he has the friends at school... that's important, too.
Very much so! He's got a bestie, and that helps a lot. I remember
a year when I only had a friend at school, though, and it was a rough one. I hope he comes out of it without it screwing up his social development at all. He didn't get to sit next to him at lunch
yesterday, though. It appears that my looseness with my lips has
spread to him a bit. Not sure which word it was exactly (but I think
it was an eff-bomb) that he dropped with the range of a kid that narced on him, so he had to sit apart from his usual crowd. :(
It might or might not help things... some "lower class" parents buy into
the same helicoptor parenting... part of it seems to be the way things
tend to be nowadays...
Yeah. I just can't see how that, taken to such extremes, can ever prepare a person to be able to stand on their own feet, unless they're inheriting a legacy the likes of which will keep them isolated from anybody that they don't choose to be in contact with, and free of all hardship. :P
Woulda, shoulda, coulda... The past is what it was... you can learn from
it, you can work with the results, but you can't change it, nor should
you dwell on the mistakes made... Hopefully you have learned from it...
It's a major shortcoming of mine. Part of the reason I'm also
trying to take more of my own personal time to focus on some tenets of the Buddhist philosophy that I try to adhere to; living in the moment, not haunted by the past, not fretting over the future, but in the
moment planning for the future and having learned from the past. I
know I've learned; it's the time when I'm in bed after everybody else
is out that I flog myself endlessly with the ghosts of Damo past
flogging my poor brain. ;) I'm getting much better at it, though. Er, not doing it, that is. ;)
The books will probably do the most to help wean him off the games...
it's a better way to exercise the brain, and most engaging as well,
since he enjoys reading... :)
I've got a bunch coming for him, and actually, the _day_ after you mentioned an electronic reader, someone picked one up for him and told
me that it was in the mail! :) My luck might be changing a bit.
Eventually you'll probably have that... both the space and hopefully
some friends with more helpful parents... ;)
I'm always on the lookout; not going to be changing that any time
soon. :D
Thanks for the input and the ear; it's always appreciated. I need
to tell about some of the adventures we had before winter hit here so that I can balance things out a little bit, I think. ;)
It's an indication that you /are/ doing something right, when other
people notice... :)
We're never able to do everything we know is needed... all we can do is the best we can... :) And no need to waste energy worrying about what
we can't do, just need to look for what we can do... :) And, where possible, find others to help fill in the lacks... :)
Well, perhaps that can be a lesson for both of you... ;) One /should/
be careful with one's language anyway, but especially around kids, who tend to be little parrots... You maybe could talk with him about when
it is and when it isn't appropriate to use such language...
Fortunately it isn't often taken to the farthest extremes it might be... and as I noted before, many of these activities are some sort of group activity so it isn't exactly isolation...
Sometimes it takes a sort of discipline to keep from going there... but
it becomes easier with practice... Not to say that there won't still be times that the mind wanders down those paths again... but one can bring
it back instead of wallowing in the bygones.. :)
Now that's good timing... ;)
Yeah, tell the good things, too... ;)
Quoting Damon A. Getsman to Nancy Backus on 25-Feb-2015 22:30 <=-
It's an indication that you /are/ doing something right, when other
people notice... :)
It always seems to be when he's asking incessant questions, and I'm taking the time to answer them all, without talking down to him, and explaining the parts that he has more questions on. :) My parents
never did that for me, so I've tried to not make the same mistake,
though it's taken a bit to make sure he understands that sometimes (ie sleep time) is not for incessant questions about everthing. *grin*
We're never able to do everything we know is needed... all we can do is
the best we can... :) And no need to waste energy worrying about what
we can't do, just need to look for what we can do... :) And, where
possible, find others to help fill in the lacks... :)
That last part is what I was gonna say. People that can help point
out what might lay in my blind spots have been invaluable to my
personal development.
I wish more people could learn to value that, instead of run in
horror from it. You're right, though. I need to learn to get that
ghost of d4m0 past crap to stop flogging myself with once I've learned from things and moved on. It's my main reason for meditation.
Well, perhaps that can be a lesson for both of you... ;) One /should/
be careful with one's language anyway, but especially around kids, who
tend to be little parrots... You maybe could talk with him about when
it is and when it isn't appropriate to use such language...
I've been doing that. I've let him be too lose around the house,
where I've [in the past] said that it's okay, as long as it's me and
him, and he doesn't use it too much. He got in the habit of using that language when he was frustrated, and I warned him it'd bite him, and it did. Heh. I'll learn to give the when & where talk along with a bit more discretion about letting 'em get away with it at home if I ever
have another go around at this. As it is, things have cracked down a bit, but he usually sticks to the appropriate areas very well. The
main reason I was so loose is because I'm so damn loose with the
tongue, and I don't like to be a hypocrite... We're working on it together now. :)
Fortunately it isn't often taken to the farthest extremes it might be...
and as I noted before, many of these activities are some sort of group
activity so it isn't exactly isolation...
Whoa I totally forgot what this is about. I didn't quote enough.
Ah, the helicopter parenting. You're right, it isn't total
isolation, but a lot of times I think that kids need _unstructured_
time to avoid becoming pressure cookers. I dunno, just my opinion on
it.
Sometimes it takes a sort of discipline to keep from going there... but
it becomes easier with practice... Not to say that there won't still be
times that the mind wanders down those paths again... but one can bring
it back instead of wallowing in the bygones.. :)
Ah I jumped the gun on the meditation bit. It helps me a lot in
this area; I'm able to settle my mind when it goes to these places... Unless I've had too much caffeine. Another area for me to be
improving, no doubt! It's getting a lot better but I still find that
a lot of times, unless I'm actively engaged in meditation, I forget
that I need to be consciously letting go of that crap when it comes up.
When I finally realize that I've been fulminating and flogging myself
I realize I've been in that state for waaaay too long already. Still, like meditation, it's just not getting frustrated about it, and letting the thought water flow around it, without hanging on to it... It takes practice, another day another few seconds of peace... I'm getting
there. ;)
Now that's good timing... ;)
It was! He just got the dragonlance e-books downloaded on it
tonight, too. :D
Yeah, tell the good things, too... ;)
Well, he had an outstanding performance at his school tonight. I'm
just starting to get the video ready to pass around to relatives and
the like. I've got to hand it to this school, they've done a musical/play that absolutely blew out of the water anything I've seen before. It was amazing, and I learned so much about one of my favorite places to run... Lone Fir cemetary. Had no idea that Madonna filmed a video there. *laugh* But seriously, the amount of history that they
had in this play featured all around the cemetary, and the bits about keeping people alive through the memory of them, almost made me mist up
a few times. It was really amazing!
I have other good things to write, but this has taken too long to get
off already. :) My next response shall be thoroughly peppered with
good things that have gone on lately.
I think the #1 that I'm thinking about right now is that
we've been here about 7 months, and both him and I have each been sick
at least a half a dozen times apiece. It's been weeks now, though, and
I think maybe we've finally gotten the full collection of antibodies to this area, so maybe (keep yr fingers crossed) we're able to go out and face the world without getting knocked back every few weeks into it
now. ;) I was really worried with him missing 16 days of school this year due to illness; I hope that things don't happen again like that,
it was causing some serious academic issues for awhile.
Best wishes & more soon! How's your life been? :)
Kids can be opportunists, for sure.. ;) But having that openness is
so crucial to helping our kids grow up... And if they know that we can
and will answer questions, they don't have to go elsewhere to find answers... and hopefully thereby avoid some of the pitfalls...
where possible, find others to help fill in the lacks... :)
That last part is what I was gonna say. People that can help point
out what might lay in my blind spots have been invaluable to my
personal development.
I was more thinking of people that could supply some of what your son needs that you aren't able to necessarily supply... like the wonderful couple at our church that filled in as sorta "foster parents" to our son during his turbulent teen years... they made it so that there were other stable adults in his life to model, and that he knew cared about him.
We were still able to talk with him, even then, but it was very nice to know that there were others that had our back, and that also cared about our son... ;)
But, yes... filling in that sort of lack (for you rather than your son)
is a good thing, too... ;) Admitting that one does need help, either
for one's self or for one's charges, can be difficult, admittedly... :) And getting past the old crap in one's life often needs a little help, too... at least in the form of support, and helpful advice... :)
Working on it together's a good thing. :) It's not too late to rein it in with him, as long as he doesn't think you are just being arbitrary...
I'm actually mostly agreeing with you on that... I grew up with plenty
of unstructured time, and I do believe that it was a good thing... of course, in my case, there was plenty of unlooked for structure in the
form of taking care of younger siblings... ;) Different personalities
can react differently to the same situation, too... One kid could thrive while another would become a pressure cooker... :)
It comes with practice... :)
All Right.... :) So now he has something to read and keep him occupied happily... :)
There's some good teachers at that school, for sure... Did he enjoy
being part of the play...? :)
That can be an unhappy side effect of transient living... exposure to
new bugs all the time.. :) Now maybe you've built up your immune
systems for the new place... :)
Quoting Damon A. Getsman to Nancy Backus on 01-Mar-2015 04:34 <=-
Kids can be opportunists, for sure.. ;) But having that openness is
so crucial to helping our kids grow up... And if they know that we can
and will answer questions, they don't have to go elsewhere to find
answers... and hopefully thereby avoid some of the pitfalls...
I've always thought so. One of the biggest mistakes that screwed me
over in ways that still occasionally hurt me to this day is the fact
that my parents kept everything a secret from me. Absolutely
everything. They were always too tired to explain things, too. I've tried to make sure I never repeat those mistakes. I may've gone to the other extreme, but I don't think it's as bad as throwing a kid to the wolves when he's 17 and has no place to go or no money to his name (because of not letting him work).
Oh there are people helping out. I don't have much of a support net
here yet, though. I really do need to make some good friends who, hopefully, have a few in their number that have kids, or are good with them, and are truly good people. I meet people so slowly, though, at least in this yuppie neighborhood, that it's a little discouraging.
I'd love for him to have role models behind myself, though. I keep hoping he'll get some friends with good, successful, and altruistic parents. I had a few friends like that when I was a kid, and though my own parents went out of their way to shelter me to extremes, they saw that and compensated by trying to show me what effort and experience
were worth, and made sure that I at least got some. They felt bad for me. I hope that it's not a situation just like this with my son, obviously, but I miss the few friends he had who would have him over
for dinner with successful, and good parenting influence, kinds of
people at times.
But, yes... filling in that sort of lack (for you rather than your son)
is a good thing, too... ;) Admitting that one does need help, either
for one's self or for one's charges, can be difficult, admittedly... :)
And getting past the old crap in one's life often needs a little help,
too... at least in the form of support, and helpful advice... :)
I'm all about looking into the blind spots when I become aware of
them. One of my goals in this life other than to make sure that my son has what he needs to go forward and succeed in this troubling world is
to always make sure that I am bettering myself. I know that I have millions of blind spots from the way that I was raised, antisocially
and in a horribly sheltered and abused cult. Sometimes hearing those things that need to be changed is painful, but I've learned to not respond badly, but to introspect, and find out if there is something valid that I need to work on with it.
Heh. I was kind of discussing a small amount of this with an
employer the other day during an interview, sans the abuse and
antisocial talk. ;)
I find that kind of help invaluable. I hope that I'm in a situation again soon where I have people around that can help me with that more.
Working on it together's a good thing. :) It's not too late to rein it
in with him, as long as he doesn't think you are just being arbitrary...
No, things are getting better for both of us. I still need to work
on it probably a little bit more than him to set the right example, but he's doing very good, even around the house where I've let him get away with it, so long as it's only him, my roommate, and I.
It comes with practice... :)
Ah the mental training. Yes. I missed most of mine today, and I've suffered a little bit for it. It's amazing how much of a difference on
a daily basis that time training the mind helps.
All Right.... :) So now he has something to read and keep him
occupied happily... :)
Hell yeah. He's in love with his tablet. That reminds me,
DragonLance is on it, now I need to configure his reader for him.
There's some good teachers at that school, for sure... Did he enjoy
being part of the play...? :)
He did, actually. The videos are huge or I'd post 'em all over. It
was definitely the best elementary school play I've ever seen and all written by the teachers and a couple of writers in the area--- and
lines by the students themselves, too! For the shortcomings of this school, which are legion in the bureaucratic areas, I'll admit this 'arts-focus school' really does drive home some damn good programs in those areas.
That can be an unhappy side effect of transient living... exposure
to new bugs all the time.. :) Now maybe you've built up your
immune systems for the new place... :)
I'm keeping my fingers crossed. ;) My immune system feels strong
like bull, though. I think we're over the hump. :)
Catch ya more later. It's 4:30am, I should probably be getting some sleep. *grin*
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